A farmhand in Australia was checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he
hit something. He radioed the farm for advice. "There's a pig stuck in
the bullbar and is still alive, but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't
get him free" he said.
"Okay" said the boss "in the back of the cruiser there's a 303.
Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When it's body goes limp, you'll be
able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the farmhand called back "I did what you said, boss.
I shot the pig in the head, he went limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no
problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" asked the boss, "what's the problem?". "Well,
it's his motorbike,,,,,, the flashing blue light is jammed in the wheel-arch."
From the Sydney Morning Herald comes this story of a central west couple who
drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the carpark.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts
into glaringly public ones (hence the crowd).
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything
back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic,
however, had to have three stitches in his head
Cross my heart this happened to this who guy lives in Westchester, NY, and
goes to school at Ithaca College.
For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester
and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally,
one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask
her out.
She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this
guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming
back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty
minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still
running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date,
because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester,
and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to
use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption,
but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling,
but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After
a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly,
of course).
Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh
crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away,
our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on
this surprise.
He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out
what to do before his tan pants: (a) started to smell, or (b) started to show
stains on the outside He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant.
Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station,
they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking
at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right,
women's fashions are on the left.
They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back
to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resembles his current
outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still
on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying
the pants.
He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in
case his date can read lips from 40 feet away), "Just the pants." "What?" asks
the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl:
"Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in
the middle of the car.
Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in
the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly
rips off his pants and boxer shorts.
He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself
off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out... ... just the sweater.Police
arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating
fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and
go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing
on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in".
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
"Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat bastard"
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second
time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up
a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree and
a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered
off the road.'
The blonde was so hopeless that she falls over the cordless phone.vA
bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy.
A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is. "I've locked myself
out of my car" replies the man. "That's not a problem" replies the passer-by,
"step out of the way, and let me try rubbing my bum on the door".
The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in letting the
man try - it might be good for a laugh. The passer-by turns his bum to the car
and slowly rubs it up and down the driver's door.
Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and opens the car door.
"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"
"It's easy" replies the pedestrian ".....I'm wearing khaki trousers". Interesting
classifieds ads:
Free Yorkshire terrier years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies:>1/2 cocker spaniel - 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog< Free puppies...part
German shepherd, part stupid dog.
German shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Found: dirty white dog. >Looks like a rat...Been out a while...Better be reward.<>
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
Amana washer - $100
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Snow blower for sale --Only used on snowy days.
Tickle me elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5l,Auto, excellent
condition - $6800
Cows, calves never bred...Also 1 gay bull for sale.
83 Toyota hunchback - $200
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty Like new. Slight urine smell.
Free, 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br, 2 bath home.
For sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man) - $50
Nordick track - $300 Hardly used, call chubby
Bill's septic cleaning"we haul American made products"
Shakespeare's pizza - free chopsticks
Hummels - largest selection ever "if it's in stock, we have it!"
Get a little john:The travelling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.">
Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb.
Nice parachute: never opened, used once, slightly stained.
American flag, 60 stars - pole included - $100
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer - $300
Alzheimer's centre prepares for "an affair to remember."
For sale by owner - Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes, excellent
Condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth
it!)
If you fart continually for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to
create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt
blood 30 feet. (eeeewwwwwwww!)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over
that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that
why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included in this list?)
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A giraffe's tongue is 18 inches long. (Can a pig and a giraffe be a couple?
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and
always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little
bottles of...? Did the gov't pay for this research??)
All polar bears are left-handed.
A flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length
of a football field.
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to> death.(WHY
doesn't this surprise me?)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home.
What the....?!")
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig...
quality over quantity!)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know A LOT of people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. ( I know A LOT of people like that too! ) Remember,
when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT it only
takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the aresehole across the head.
High stress Days??
1. You! Off my planet!!
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your cry-baby whiny-hiney opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
11. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
16. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
17. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
18. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.
21. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
22. Earth is full. Go home
23. Is it time for your medication or mine?
24. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
25. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive
vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where would I find a fake Jeep?"
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of
thetrip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom
performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder spin,
puts the gun to his head and pulls the rigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber.
He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be
outdone, the African repeats the ritual....CLICK.....empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip,
the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian
Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to
demonstrate one's courage.
The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later
smiling,and says, "Your turn." The African escorts the Russian through the >door.
In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The
African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral
sex on him.
Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?!
"The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal.
"The Rural Australia Thesaurus of the Computer Terminology
Log On - Make the barbie hotter
Log Off - Don't add any more wood
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie
Download - Get the firewood off the ute
Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season
Byte - What mozzies do
Bit - What mozzies did
Mega Byte - What Townsville mozzies do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
Cursor - The old bloke that swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up
VDU - Sexually diseased sheep Remote
VDU - Sexually diseased sheep in the outback
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot
routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse
loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up
to the men's tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when
once more, the man yelled:
"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the
person with the mike and shouted back,
"Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the fuck up and let me play
my second shot?"
