The best part about these is looking at who said them...
"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite
well for themselves." -- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former
US First Lady)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
-- Courtney Cox
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods
(On going to war over religion) "You're basically killing each other
to see who's got the better imaginary friend." --Yasir Arrafat (PLO leader)
(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never
experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
--Bruce Willis
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people, don't blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people, don't blame everything on Satan."
-- George Burns
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -- Carmen Boyle (Olympic
Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either
you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Henry
Kissinger (former Secretary of State)
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural
enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Dan Rather (News anchorman)
Murder most foul
Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36 000 Serious Crimes including
Murder/Homicides.
Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides
of the Year.
1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch
long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices
and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20
inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal
organs and caused severe bleeding.
2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road.
She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter
to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering
her birthday cake.
3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who
he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that
if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat
poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took
one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence
as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to
poison her mother using the same method one month later.
4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted
to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled
shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before
the date started, just in case.
5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay
his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death
with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos
paid his rent.
6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered
onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking
slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled
Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between
them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real
looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she
talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless
phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.
8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms
was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over
a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium
composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning.
Although she suffered many symptoms, including hair loss, skin > welts,
blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never
attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading
her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she
was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as
powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons
some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever
found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.
10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours
of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6
phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at
an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly
complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential
risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately.
Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat
about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed
the position of the engine. As she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting
her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning
her outline into the driveway.
11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With
a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an
almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double Sided
white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the
KKK on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped
him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after
a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents' passed
away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument
Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3
gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars,
a lighter and a note saying: Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian.
Conrad promptly lit a cigar destroying the house, and himself in the process
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the
couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer
before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another
beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do
tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy,
drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "
In a recent Harris On-line poll, 38,562 men across the U.S. were asked
to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.
97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two
men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study,
it appears that most men do not realize that, in this fantasy, one man is
cooking and the other is cleaning.
Chocolate
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count
as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot
car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your
appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to
protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced
diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore,
you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in
one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you
can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen,
can you?
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he
was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to
call on you at this hour, Mr.Roy, but we have some information about your
wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some
really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr.Roy said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
we found your wife's body in Sydney Harbour."
"Oh my god!" said Mr.Roy, overcome by emotion. Remembering what
the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had
two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Mud crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr.Roy
demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
morning."
Compulsion
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of
the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the
bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm
sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders.
I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting
that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the
name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my
Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left.
The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?"
the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst
twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder
into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't
seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered. "On the contrary,"
the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
Aussie Aussie Aussie - oi oi oi
A young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his
new girlfriend, a gorgeous
Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic
Village.
Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobes
and leaps onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.
After about 20 minutes of wild sex,
they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion.
The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light.
His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp
glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She's
really pleased to have
met this guy.
At this point, the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles
the lid off a bottle on
the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a
glass and drinks it down
in one gulp.
Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath
and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out
the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on
top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.
The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter.
Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion!
After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the
gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the
mysterious liquid. Once more, he dives under the bed, emerges on the other
side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over again.
The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same
blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what
kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she
sure likes the effect!
More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking
ritual on his part, and
a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part,
the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. "Just
a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting shaven-headed
Aussie,
"I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily
and pours a small
shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect,
but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then
she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the
bed only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of
the Australian relay team....................
Aussie!! Aussie!! Aussie!!
