The Mistress
A man and his wife were dining at a very posh restaurant when suddenly a gorgeous
blonde walks up to the man, gives him a passionate kiss and murmurs, "See
you tonight, Darling," before swishing out the door.
The wife (indignant): "Who was that?"
Husband: "My mistress."
Wife (hysterical): "You rotten swine... you...you bastard! That's the
last straw; I want a divorce, you... you..!!"
Husband: "Alright, but remember; if you divorce me there'll be no more
shopping trips to Paris, ocean liner cruises, holidays on the French Riviera
or the latest convertible Rolls Royce in the garage."
Just then their friend Bob walks into the restaurant with a sexy brunette
hanging on his arm.
Wife (for the moment distracted): "Who's that with Bob?"
Husband: "Oh, that's his mistress."
Wife, after a moment's silence: "Ours is much prettier.
Signs of the new millennium.............
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails
you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven't spoken with your next door neighbour yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it
contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she
can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone
is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of
the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells
for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first
20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get
it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would
be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the
back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have
e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your
way back to bed.
23.You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else
Life Reflections
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.d
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you
take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going
faster is a maniac.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three of them.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a
T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest
problem.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't
you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know
there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
Can an orphan eat at a Family!
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away from them and you have their
shoes.
If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back
in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it
holds the universe together. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
Children
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the
driveway before it has stopped snowing.
There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it. - Chinese
Proverb.
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have
paid for me.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort
to teach them good manners.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what
you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of
Jesus.
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on
this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures.
But perhaps the most compelling evidence that JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T
GET IT!
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for
him to do.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel
with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without
their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has
a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the
men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation
move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and
thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on
up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have
it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left,
they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long
and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize
that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing,
they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
An
able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take
turns recounting their adventures at sea.
Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks,
"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off
the cape and a
giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they
were pullin' me
out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em
bit me leg off."
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader
ship, pistols blastin'
and swords swingin' this way and that.
In the fracas me hand
got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the
eye patch?" so
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook..."
Subject: Human Body
Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me
which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when
stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times
its usual size when stimulated?" Mary
stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such
a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will
complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mr.Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the
question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes,Sam?" says
Mr.. Sampson.
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things
to tell you:
First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a
DIRTY mind.
And third, I fear one day you are going to be Sadly Disappointed."
Trivia
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough
sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (How'd they figure this out, and why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get
over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that
why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't
seem fair)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little
bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed.(Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out,
ask them?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom
of the pond?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? And
why pigs?)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
(Creepy)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.> (Honey,
I'm home. What the....)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a
pig... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)
After reading all these, all I can say
is.............Lucky Pigs...
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high security, super secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" (well of course not, it's secret!) Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane. Only this time there were two people in it! The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and YOU have to tell her where I was last night!"
New words for a new century....?
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement
by kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over
everything, and then leaves.
Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die in the end.
Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
Career Limiting Move (CLM) - Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised
activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious
CLM.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to
leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404-URL
Not Found," meaning that the requested web page could not be located.
Used as in: "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no
matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
Used as in: "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were
in."
Ohno-Second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've
just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic
device to get it to work again.
Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship,
as in "This is Dylan, my ... um...friend."
Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on
anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.
Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids. Stands for "Single Income, Two Children,
And Oppressive Mortgage".
Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with
no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office
or work group.
G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people
take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they
are solvent again.
Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere.
Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: >"We
owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
