If you take an Oriental
person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with
tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race
car not called a racist?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call
it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair colour do they put on the drivers licenses
of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the
Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me, they're cramming
for their final exam.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the
Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just
put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
while they delivered the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then
what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn
to drive.
No one ever says, It's only a game, when their
team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be
if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow laughed hard, would milk come out her
nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby
oil come from?
What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye making love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye making love while breaking
wind?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye making love while breaking
wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye making love while breaking
wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while breaking
wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Truck?
Extremely talented!
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but that's okay, everyone knows me here.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas......I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I don't enjoy political jokes; I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce; yours and dipshit's.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old you
have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Mid-life has hit when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your
butt without turning around.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on
the highway?
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets
are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section
in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
The next time you feel like complaining remember remmber yur garbage disposal
probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world and Snowmen
fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words: "Don't
pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special
sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make
you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested
in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt
he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will
prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife,
finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he
got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years:
raw sexual power!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently
over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold
of the Pakistani's thighs.
The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry
it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got
any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never
had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail
your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"
A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man
with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.
The dog has sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the
dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler
says to the first man 'Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there
is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man 'Watch
this'. He tells the dog "Rover, search"
The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few
seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says 'Good boy, and turns to the first man and says, 'That woman is in possession
of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police
who will apprehend her on arrival.
'Fantastic!' replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits
down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws
on the handler's arm. He says 'Good boy, and turns to the first man and says,
'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the
seat number.'
That's marvellous, I've never seen anything like it!' says the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles .He goes up and down the plane
and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and
jumps up onto the seat and shits all over the place.
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks
'What the bloody hell is going on?'
The handler replies 'He's just found a bomb!
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He
then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas
between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They
agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and
poured it into
the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now", said the professor" i want you to recognise that this
is your life. the rocks are the important things- your family, your partner,
your health, your children- things that if everything else was lost and only
they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things
that matter like your job, your house,your car. The sandis everything else.
The small stuff."
" If you put the sand in to the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles
or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important
to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your
children. Take time to get medical checkups.Take your partner out dancing. There
will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and
fix the disposal."
" Take care of the rocks first- the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then a student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed
was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled
the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:
No matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.
THE 27 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
AND............
Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days
1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
2. Do I look like a fucking people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
5. You! Off my planet!!
6. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
7. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
8. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
9. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
10. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
11. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
12. Earth is full, Go home.
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