MEN Explaining themselves
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS
thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average
life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all
the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're
just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone
thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our
bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much
better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic
memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference.
Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as
much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally
need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting
your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole
lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too
if, every time you opened it you got into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH WANKERS? Well, we don't actually have to;
we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old-fashioned pride in a job well done
that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why
is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed
to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing
some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we
have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure
out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (i.e., LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Aw, please!! How many
hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who
the Hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men...
Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest...
Now sitting on our arses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other
story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ARSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful
sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended
periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary
to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The
more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods
of time, thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types
were all gobbled up by sabre-toothed tigers, etc. The end result is that almost
all modern men are born with this ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender
young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying
that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to
admit to one's own character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho,
Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into
your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy
to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the
answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save
the energy for other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really
bother us that much. Besides, we know damn well that, given sufficient time,
you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after
months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with
you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding
it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? Again, it's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women
gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend
hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? errr... buying?
Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems,generally
known as squawks, recently submitted by Pilots to maintenance engineers. After
attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details
of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks.
P = the problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the
engineers.
P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal - Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal
seepage.
P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.
P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!
P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.
P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."
P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.
The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged
daughters.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months
later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father
of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly
and said, "Not this time."
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies
before they were sent to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made
an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician,
"But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private
part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools
to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you
that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front
door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom.
I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue,
not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning
the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with
a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like
an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass
of water."
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed
the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the
menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips,
peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender,
but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires
the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the
guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs
with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused
him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered Hush, my love," she said. "Rest.
Shah, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his
tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you". "There's
nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all
right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I
slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you"
Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Comprehending the IT guy - Take One
Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?" The second IT guy replied, "Well,
I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes
and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second IT guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending the IT guy - Take Two
An architect, an artist and an IT guy were discussing whether it was better
to have a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he
enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found
there. The IT guy said, "I like both." The artist said "BOTH?"
The IT guy replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the
office and get some work done."
Comprehending the IT guy - Take Three
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half
empty. To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending the IT guy - Take Four
An IT guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay
with you for one week." The IT guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled
at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss
me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING
you want." Again the IT guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it
back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've
told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The IT guy said, "Look I work in IT. I don't have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog - now that's cool."
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks
up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written
on it."
He says, "Oh, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty
Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks
him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was
that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
Damn, It's Good to Be a Man!
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky".
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking:"He
must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Damn, it's Good to be a Man
