Difficult words to say when you are drunk......
* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
Impossible words to say when you are drunk.....
* Thanks, but I don't want sex
* No, I don't want another drink
* No food for me, thanks
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening officer
Famous Sex Quotes
Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin: "You know "that look" women get when they want
sex? Me neither."
Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless
experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life
at all."
George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting
married."
George Burns: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Students at a Medical School were receiving their
first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They were all gathered around
the table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started
the class by telling them:
"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted."
The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger into the butt of the dead
body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.
"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk a finger into the
butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone
finished, the Professor looked at them and said:
"The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger
and sucked the index. Now people, please pay attention."
Soccer Stars quotes:
'My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. - David
Beckham
'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.'
- Mark Viduka
'We lost because we didn't win.' - Ronaldo
'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at
the end of the day.' - Neville Southall
'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.' - Ronnie Whelan
'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen
that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction
was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' - Ade Akinbiyi
'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' - Stuart Pearce
'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the
only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've
ever had.' - David Beckham
'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which
were disputable.' - Paul Gascoigne
'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully
after that as well.' - Alan Shearer
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper
'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the
World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.' - Peter Shilton
'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let
me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore
'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.' - Ian Wright
'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.' - Ugo Ehiogu
'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in
Middlesborough.' - Jonathan Woodgate
'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.' -
Lee Hendrie
'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.' - Ian
Rush
'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 Internationals out
there today.' - Steve Lomas
'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.'
- Barry Venison
'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion
yet.' - David Beckham
'The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukranians will be more European.'
- Phil Neville
'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.' - Mitchell Thomas
'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.' - Graeme Le Saux
'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.' - Alan
Shearer
'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.' - Johnny Giles
'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.' -Les Ferdinand
'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.'
- Richard Rufus
' There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.' -
Gary Lineker
'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' - Thierry Henry
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance: if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features.
If she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors
shoved in his temple and a baseball bat jammed up his arse.
HER SIDE OF THE STORY:
He was in an odd mood Friday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink.
I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have
been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything
much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk a bit more privately. We went to this
restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and
started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he
said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home,
I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I
didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back
or anything, this is really worrying me. We finally got back home and I was
wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he
just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed
to say it's all over between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he
responded to my advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted,
so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried
myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think
he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:
England lost. Got a shag though...
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,
pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to
find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some
matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside
table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of
another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"
he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said,
nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered
guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying
to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his
wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do? Oh- I know."
He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began
to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed
with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom
to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife
there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother!
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about
to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling
a little horny.With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?
"Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grining at
her."No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come
on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just
too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No,
no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... " Out of the
blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her
pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says,"Dad says to go
ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can
come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off
the intercom!!!!!!!!!
Subject: A global survey.
A survey was done in different countries with the following question: "For
the Love of God - Would you please give your opinion about the food shortage
in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure: - In Afghanistan they did not know what 'love'
meant. - In Russia they did not know what 'God' meant. - In Africa they did
not know what 'food' meant. - In Western Europe they did not know what 'shortage'
meant. - In China they did not know what 'opinion' meant. - In Eastern Europe
they did not know what 'please' meant. - And in the U.S. they did not know what
'the rest of the world' meant.
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place
where they first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember
the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the
corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." Why, yes,
I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well",
said the little old man, "for old time's sake, let's go there again, and
I'll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave
the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and
smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners
at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners
near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up
her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the
little old lady reaches for the fence Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the
most athletic sex the young
> man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old
woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere,
the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they
collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the young man is stunned. Never in
his life has he ever
> seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends,not
from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen,he says to himself,
"I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone
in 50 years time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and
dressed themselves.
> Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir,
in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your
age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner
replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
