There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage
daughters. The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the
other day & found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't
even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says, " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room
the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really
shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says, " Both
of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the
other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even
know she had a cock."
An Essex girl was driving down the motorway when her
car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her: Honey, I just heard
on the news that there's
a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!" "It's not
just one car!" said the Essex girl. "There's bloody hundreds of them"!!
"A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his
Dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried
about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to find him. The
son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The mother
replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have
to get on top of it to help flatten it."
" You're wasting your time." says
the boy.
" Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?
" Well
when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and
blows it right back up."
A brunette, redhead and blonde were at a special
magic Amusement Park.
One of the rides was a long slide at the end of which
was a magic pool. On
the way down the slide, all the rider had to do was shout out his or her favourite
drink, and hey-presto they would land in a pool full of this drink. So off
they went.
The brunette went first. On her way down she shouted out "Vodka" at
the top of her voice, and sure enough she landed in a pool of the finest vodka.
After filling several bottles and glasses she went home, happy but a little
un-steady.
Next the redhead - who loved a 10 year old malt, went flying down
shouting "Whisky",
and of course into a pool of whisky she fell. She had to be dragged away practically
unconscious. Now it was the blondes turn. She was very excited, and on her
way down she was enjoying the ride so much she shouted - "Weeeeeee"......
Holy Water
A group of girls perish in a bus crash on the way to summer camp... St. Peter
asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger
in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina, have you ever
had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
"Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK,
dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl
is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of
the
line St. Peter says "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want
to do it before Jenny sticks her arse in it."
A young man got an apartment on his own, and
went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes earing a robe. The young man smiled at the young woman and she started
a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing
else on. The poor guy broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go
to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,
allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid!
Look at my skin-no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part
of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered,
"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?
That was me."
What were they thinking!?
"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter)
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and
It was amazing!" (Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator)
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."
(New Zealand rugby commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh,
horse racing commentator)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which
is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg
Norman)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again." (Terry Venables)
"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership,
but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the
cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat
race in 1977)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field." (Metro Radio) Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems
to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and
showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before
each round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them..... Oh my God! What
have I just said?!!!" (U.S. PGA Commentator)
This last one is unbelievable ... A female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only
did Bob have to leave the set, but so did half the crew because they were laughing
so hard!
The Many Advantages of being a female bear!
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat like crazy. I could deal with that,
too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while
you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely
deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who
bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could
deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that
you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yep..... I wanna be a bear.
Ethical dilemma ?
Doctor Geoff had slept with one of his patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he
couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Geoff, don't
worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients
and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go".
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
whispering: "Geoff, you're a vet".
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to
send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300,
she exclaimed:
"But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my
mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the
next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in
and close the door," the man said. She did.
He then said, "Now get on your knees". She did.
"Now take down my zipper". She did.
"Now go ahead ...take it out ...." he said. She reached in and grabbed
it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well...go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it.. and while holding it close
to her lips, tentatively said.......
"Hello, mum can you hear me?"
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant
approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to the coach section since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York,
and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant
asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking
her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied,
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately
jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't
anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that
finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to
New York."
Due to increasing products liability litigation,
Australian liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the
following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol :
may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
is a major factor in dancing like Peter Garret.
is the leading cause of mysterious love bites that will need some creative explanation
to appease your long term current partner.
may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
may cause you to think you can sing like Celine Dion.
may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone
them at four in the morning.
may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting
your ass kicked.
may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary that
does not have a name that you can recall.
is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower
back.
may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better-looking
than most people.
may lead you to think people are laughing WITH! you.
may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may
seem to literally disappear.
may cause pregnancy.
IF MEN WROTE PROBLEM PAGES ..............
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only
one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far
from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of
your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe
you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure
then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about
it.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin.
Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on
him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to
thank him by performing it twice day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The Man
is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing
young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and
relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than
the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)!
Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home.
The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform
oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it,
do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape
yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift.
To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious
meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training.
Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available
to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means
is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have
to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make
it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without
giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him
a nice meal.
