The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
A Woman's Perfect Breakfast
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of BusinessWeek. Her boyfriend is on the cover of PlayGirl, and her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
A Woman's revenge
"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled in her purse for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a TV in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The Sales Girl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it's soooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.
The most frightening thing about this is that it happens! Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken Mc Nuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six Mc Nuggets.
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today. " She said, "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened!
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help? I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door UN-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
CONCLUSION: "Life is tough. But it's a lot tougher if you're stupid"
Bruce and Tom were a couple of drinking buddies, who worked as aeroplane mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bruce said,"Man I wish we had something to drink".
Tom said, "Me too. You know I have heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz." You want to try it?"
So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of High octane hooch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bruce wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great. No hangovers! No bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings...it's Tom.
Tom says "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bruce says, "I feel great, how about you?"
Tom says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hang over?"
Bruce says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff-no hangovers-nothing.We ought to do this more often."
"Yea, well there's just one thing......"
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No."
"Well don't, 'cos I'm in Adelaide."
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . . . . . I know we've been friends for a long time but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is. "Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
The same two women were eating at a restaurant one morning.
Ethel (she remembered her name) noticed something funny about Mabel's (and her's) ear and she said,
"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out & stared at it.Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."
What a coincidence, so am I and I'm getting a little desperate."
" Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
" She's tall, with long hair, long legs, big tits and a tight arse.
What's your wife look like?"
" Never mind, let's look for yours!"
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,
" Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Ladies joke!!
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.
Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay Her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.
She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights.
On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo street" he says." "This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!" He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."
The Story of My Life ..
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal". The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus.
One Wise man
Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle.
Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women.
After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation.
The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies, "Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis."
Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."
Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."
